AhhhhHHHHhhh

Now, I'm a big fan of horror movies. My husband I saw a horror movie on our first date (my pick). I gleefully cackled through Zombieland this fall (really: Woody Harrelson had one line that made me laugh so hard I quite literally cried). I thought it was hilarious when that guy's ear falls into his oatmeal in that crazy Peter Jackson zombie movie, Dead Alive. I saw Scream about 15 times, and consider it one of my favorite movies ever.

I mean, I used to watch horror movies in my sorority house, which, I would argue is one of the scariest places to watch them, since serial killers love showing up there and killing sorority girls, for some reason (they like coordinated outfits?). One night in college I scared the bejesus out of myself watching the Matthew McConaughey/Renee Zellweger version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (I'm pretty sure Matthew, Renee and I would all like to forget that movie ever happened.)

I'm trying to tell you, I'm not a scaredy cat. I'm a horror movie veteran. I mean, sure, I am terrified of the CANDYMAN, but what can I tell you, I saw that movie at the end of a spring break horror movie binge, and BEES CAME OUT OF HIS EYES and it was TERRIBLE. Also the Candyman will frame you for crimes and then how will you ever get out of it? You can't!

And so when my husband and I sat down this weekend to watch Paranormal Activity I thought, Yeah, right. This movie is never going to live up to the hype.


And then the movie started. And I pulled the blanket up to my eyes. And I moved closer to my husband on the couch. And I pulled the cat onto my lap. And I bribed the other cat to come over and hang out too. I resisted the urge to turn on the lights, but it wasn't easy. And one thought kept running through my mind, over and over again.

How am I ever going to fall asleep ever again?

I'm trying to figure out how they did it. How did they make that moving so freaking scary? It was clearly made on a small budget, and maybe that was it, the sparseness of it, the creepy simplicity, the preying on such a basic fear: what's happening around you while you're asleep?

It probably shouldn't have worked, just four actors, and silly scare tactics: a moving door, a light turned on and off, a fluttering blanket -- OMG THE FLUTTERING BLANKET. That is the image that's burned in my brain as I try to fall asleep now, two days later, and I have to think about kittens and sunshine and chocolate chip cookies and Dante Falconeri to try and lull myself to sleep.

It also makes me wonder, what else is in that Paramount vault? Maybe me and Matthew and Renee should go find out? Maybe we should bring Woody Harrelson, you know, the better to protect us in case the Candyman is in there?

Regardless, well played, Paranormal Activity. For those of you that haven't seen it, you know, proceed with caution.

My Wolverine Action figure wants you to know that he TOTALLY wasn't scared at all, and he's just been hanging out on my nightstand to, you know, keep me company. Not that he's kind of scared of the dark now, or anything like that.

Line of the Week!

There were a lot of doozies this week, what with the truth about Dante/Dominic coming out, but this exchange was by far my favorite:

Robin: Patrick, I can't believe you didn't tell me that one of my best friends has a child he didn't know about, a grown man who's an undercover cop trying to arrest him!

Patrick: It wasn't my secret to tell! What would you have even done with that information?

Robin: Well I probably would have done the same thing I did when I found out AJ was Michael's father.

Patrick (with the LINE OF THE WEEK): Yeah, and how'd that work out for ya?

Hee! Robin, if you'll remember, it worked out as well as you leaving GH to try and establish yourself in the mainstream as an actress, as in: Not Great! Ba-zing!

My Wolverine Action Figure just heard that Liz is going to have to deal with a "Who's the Daddy?" storyline --- three for three Liz, real classy!

When getting LOST it's best to bring (themed) snacks

I had some friends over to watch LOST last night because I am incapable of watching that show alone since I basically never know what's going on and I have to say, "Wait, who's that?" and "Wait, what's going on?," as well as your basic catch all, "Wait, WHAT?" a lot. Incidentally, my Lost friends are also my General Hospital friends, and they very nicely don't call me on my total double standard because I will not let them ask questions during GH. It's hard catching people up on 40 years of backstory, when I'm TRYING to ogle the hitmen. Gah.

And so I made them snacks, the better to distract them. And as any good sorority girl knows, while snacks are totally awesome -- especially snacks posing as dinner -- THEMED snacks are even better. (What's that you say? You didn't know I liked to cook? You thought I only watch TV? Well I also cook to lure people to come over and watch TV with me. This is also how I caught my husband. I'm like Cordelia, with my onion layers.)

I decided to go with a tropical theme, all island like. First up was some mango salsa. I simply chopped up some garlic (2 cloves), red onion (half), tomato (two), jalepeno (half, but, you know, according to taste) and cilantro (a bunch), then added some salt and pepper and cumin and sugar, and finally a whole mess of fresh mango. It was very pleasingly colorful, which was nice because I recently met a nutritionist and she told me one of the best rules of eating well was making sure your plate had a lot of colors on it. So, score for mango salsa! At first the red onion was so strong I was weeping into my cuisinart, but by the next day (salsa is always one of those dishes that tastes far better after stewing in its own juices for awhile) we were totally set!

Mmm colors. Also check out special guest: husband's hand!

Then I headed on over to Tasty Kitchen and made some bacon-wrapped pineapple bites. I used real pineapple instead of canned because, well, I could. I really liked that recipe's tip for cooking the pieces on a cooling rack placed on the cookie sheet because then they weren't all greasy. I mean they were perhaps less delicious for not having stewed in their own juices, yes, but I thought that they still came out very tasty and I'm sure our arteries appreciated the solid.

Cooling rack saves calories! We were already eating something bacon-wrapped, after all.

To this I added some Trader Joe's cococnut shrimp -- another tip from me to you, when hosting on a weeknight when you work full time, it's okay to go with some already prepared foods. Your guests will thank me when you get to eat at a reasonable hour. Plus, they were pretty good! Consider pairing them with some mango chutney instead of traditional cocktail sauce, it complements the coconut flavor nicely.

As an added touch I threw in some drink umbrellas that I bought in Chinatown a YEAR ago and never used, but it's okay because they only cost $1.00 from this store that is one of my favorite spots. Seriously, you should go there directly, but probably don't stop in one of those sketchy back rooms to buy a fake purse, Bloomberg is all about busting those rings up these days. ALSO please don't get in a van, for the love of Sawyer, no matter how good the fake.

Festive!

An added bonus, I suggest you invite over some hilarious friends who will bring you macaroons that look like this:

And a lovely evening was had by all, even if I still totally don't understand what the H is going on -- they had to introduce another set of Other Others?!?! At least I finally used those drink umbrellas.

My Wolverine Action Figure is standing at attention right now, giving the stink eye to one of my coworkers. I think he wants to be starting something.