Edward-rific

So I dragged my poor, very nice and understanding husband to see New Moon this weekend. And ... it ... was ... awesome! I am so not ashamed of my Twilight love. And I don't even mean in a 'guilty pleasures' kind of way, because I totally and completely reject the concept of guilty pleasures in the first place, as it relates to pop culture. For example, I refuse to feel guilty that I like to watch General Hospital. Who the H cares if I like soap operas or not? It does not mean I am dumb, and if you think that, well, YOU'RE dumb, so why are we even talking? (I never considered becoming  a lawyer, can you ever imagine why?) A real guilty pleasure that you should actually feel bad about is if, like, you enjoy spray painting little old ladies when they walk down the street. THAT you can feel bad about. We can talk more about this later. Let's get back to Edward.

I mean, Twilight. Right, right. So I feel a smidge guilty about liking Twilight because Bella is kind of ... terrible, right? We admit this, right? And as a raging feminist, I feel a little bad about her whole Edward-is-my-whole-world, Edward-please-come-save-me, Tee-hee-I'm-so-helpless schtick, but at least she wears non-slutty clothes? I know. Even Kristen Stewart looks disgusted with herself half the time. But, we shouldn't feel too bad for her because she's making out with Pattinson, so, you know, she's covered.

My husband kept heaving deep sighs every time Bella totally led Jacob on (which is, what, like 2/3 of the movie?). This is not really a good message to send to Kids These Days. So, to try and correct things: Girls! Here are some things you should not learn from the Twilight Saga:

1. Do not ditch your friends even if The Hottest Boy in School likes you. I understand the inclination, but, no. Don't do it. It's not nice, and it will inevitably bite you in the butt, just like it did for Bella when Edward up and left her, because then she had to go crawling back to her friends and it was terribly awkward. This rule is also important because, unlike Edward, who is purely fictional, ladies ...

2. He's probably never going to come back to you. He probably didn't leave you because he wanted to give you a Chance to Really Live. Nope, he just doesn't like you anymore. This is why it is important to keep your friends in the first place! They will keep you company when you're sad and they will make you feel better and they will help you pick your your clothes when you find a new boy to go out with.  Seriously. And when you find that new boy ...

3. Don't treat him like crap and don't lead him on if you really don't like him. Because you are likable, and he probably likes you, and if you're still mooning over Edward, that's kind of jerky. So you should stop. Just go out with your girls or your mom or something. It's fine. You'll feel better eventually. I promise.

4. In addition! This is very important! I know that when he dumped you you felt terrible and you wanted to lie down in the woods by yourself so all the men in town could look for you and carry you dramatically out of the woods? NO. No no no no no. Go be sad in your room! Go watch some Buffy, for goodness sakes and stop wandering around waiting to be rescued. Prove that you are your own woman and you can take care of yourself! That way, when you are in your 20s and you have to fight with your landlord or hold your own against a customer service representative who is messing with you? You will be glad you learned to take care of yourself and did not leave it to others.

That said! I really did like the movie and find Robert Pattinson quite dreamy, despite his really distracting lipstick. Why do they style him like that? Do you think that's why they made the US Weekly blog so mad that they ran the headline, "New Moon Drops Almost 70% in Second Weekend Box Office" when, other places, like, oh, say, the AP, ran the header, "New Moon still No 1 at box office" because it won the box office and is right now the 6th highest grossing movie of the year. Obviously someone at US Weekly, which is a really sometimes hilariously bitchy blog even though it focuses basically on "News," is mad at Bella too.


My Wolverine Action Figure is ensconced in a shimmery purple wine bag. He does not wish to be disturbed at this time.