AhhhhHHHHhhh

Now, I'm a big fan of horror movies. My husband I saw a horror movie on our first date (my pick). I gleefully cackled through Zombieland this fall (really: Woody Harrelson had one line that made me laugh so hard I quite literally cried). I thought it was hilarious when that guy's ear falls into his oatmeal in that crazy Peter Jackson zombie movie, Dead Alive. I saw Scream about 15 times, and consider it one of my favorite movies ever.

I mean, I used to watch horror movies in my sorority house, which, I would argue is one of the scariest places to watch them, since serial killers love showing up there and killing sorority girls, for some reason (they like coordinated outfits?). One night in college I scared the bejesus out of myself watching the Matthew McConaughey/Renee Zellweger version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (I'm pretty sure Matthew, Renee and I would all like to forget that movie ever happened.)

I'm trying to tell you, I'm not a scaredy cat. I'm a horror movie veteran. I mean, sure, I am terrified of the CANDYMAN, but what can I tell you, I saw that movie at the end of a spring break horror movie binge, and BEES CAME OUT OF HIS EYES and it was TERRIBLE. Also the Candyman will frame you for crimes and then how will you ever get out of it? You can't!

And so when my husband and I sat down this weekend to watch Paranormal Activity I thought, Yeah, right. This movie is never going to live up to the hype.


And then the movie started. And I pulled the blanket up to my eyes. And I moved closer to my husband on the couch. And I pulled the cat onto my lap. And I bribed the other cat to come over and hang out too. I resisted the urge to turn on the lights, but it wasn't easy. And one thought kept running through my mind, over and over again.

How am I ever going to fall asleep ever again?

I'm trying to figure out how they did it. How did they make that moving so freaking scary? It was clearly made on a small budget, and maybe that was it, the sparseness of it, the creepy simplicity, the preying on such a basic fear: what's happening around you while you're asleep?

It probably shouldn't have worked, just four actors, and silly scare tactics: a moving door, a light turned on and off, a fluttering blanket -- OMG THE FLUTTERING BLANKET. That is the image that's burned in my brain as I try to fall asleep now, two days later, and I have to think about kittens and sunshine and chocolate chip cookies and Dante Falconeri to try and lull myself to sleep.

It also makes me wonder, what else is in that Paramount vault? Maybe me and Matthew and Renee should go find out? Maybe we should bring Woody Harrelson, you know, the better to protect us in case the Candyman is in there?

Regardless, well played, Paranormal Activity. For those of you that haven't seen it, you know, proceed with caution.

My Wolverine Action figure wants you to know that he TOTALLY wasn't scared at all, and he's just been hanging out on my nightstand to, you know, keep me company. Not that he's kind of scared of the dark now, or anything like that.