Bad Mobster, Bad!

So, as you know, I try to remain as spoiler-free as possible. I like to be surprised! And I'm usually pretty successful at this except for the occassional casting news, or if I see my Grandma and we talk General Hospital, because she is 89.5 (I think the halves start mattering again when you're that high up in the numerals) and she has been watching soap operas for so many years she always knows exactly what's going to happen. That's right, Guza, you ain't pulling nothing over on my Gram.

Of course, I needed neither a stray bit of casting news nor a call from my Gram where we talk smack about various and sundry family members and also Sonny -- BECAUSE THE STUPID PROMO COMMERCIALS KEEP SPOILING ME. And as they pointed out hilariously on Serial Drama this morning, not only are the commercials EVERYWHERE and hard to miss, but they're running a tag at the bottom the screen: Sonny Shoots His Son! TOMORROW. Ahhhh. It's hilariously bizarre. I mean they've been building up this plot for months and then they're like: instead of a big surprise, we're going to just show everyone everything that happens in the commercial! Ok? Go team!

But! A funny side effect of this storyline in general is that it has kind of brought me around to the side of the Sonny haterz. I never really cared that he was a murderous leading man or whatever, and Jason has always been one of my favorites even though Hitman with a Heart of Gold was kind of a ridiculous role, well, it IS a soap opera and I felt like there was room for that kind of soapy ridiculousness. Especially because Jason basically never kills anyone not bad and most of the time he's just running around trying to look like he can scowl while he tries to save his lady of the moment from whatever peril she's gotten herself into. (Women!) But Sonny coldbloodedly planning Dante's murder yesterday -- my man Dante (MMD), who I only began to like when I found out he WASN'T another mobster, fer goodness sake, but actually a SMART, CAPABLE cop? -- was kind of awful, and I started staring all squinty eyed at the screen, all, 'You know what, Corinthos? I don't like the cut of your jib right now!' And. AND! How Spinelli just scurries right over to rat out MMD without any sort of concern or guilt was totally icky and squicky and if he doesn't feel bad about it later I'ma be mad.

And also, can we please talk about the plot holes here? WHY hasn't Jax said anything about how Michael has ratted out Dante's real identity to Sonny? Um, isn't that kind of an important piece of information? I expected him to pick up the phone right quick to warn MMD, but nooooo, he's just back to looking shifty. I mean, was that what he was getting at when Olivia was over and he was like, "I'm just tired of keeping secrets"? Because I really don't give this show that much credit to be that nuanced. And I mean that in a loving way. Kinda. And also, I'm SO SURE the FBI calls friggin AUSTRALIAN JAX to update him on their plans. Whatever. If this doesn't become a plot point later I'm going to be super pissed.

The other giant plot hole is that after ratty rat rat Spinelli, you know, ratted on MMD, it is clear (or, you know, it should be) to Sonny and Jason that all of the evidence is in place and has been logged, and the warrant has been acquired. So why is the answer to this problem, "Hey, let's kill Dante?" I mean, if they were like, "He betrayed us and we must kill him," sure, I would object, but, you know, that makes more sense than, "Let's kill him and then the evidence and the warrant will go away." THAT DOESN"T MAKE ANY SENSE. If you're going to shoot MMD, please make it be for a real reason. Okay? Thanks.

My Wolverine Action Figure doesn't want you to know this, but he's rocking out to the Glee soundtrack. He totally thinks volume 1 is better than volume 2, in case you were wondering.

Everybody Hates Ted

So fresh off the news that "How I Met Your Mother" has been renewed for another season -- hooray! -- I thought it was high time that we discuss something that's been scrawled on a post-it stuck to my monitor for a while. Right under "Golden Girls Murder Mystery" -- check THAT bad boy off my list of things to do -- is the note "Main characters annoying: Ted."

That's right Ted Mosby, you are annoying as all get out. And I feel that way not just because he went off on that rant that one time about people who say they live in 'the city' but really live in Jersey or, GOD FORBID, Brooklyn, for which I was filled with a white-hot rage, like, you're just JEALOUS, jerkface. But also because he's generally a mopey, self-involved, annoying dude. WHEN WILL I FIND LOVE? Eh, nobody cares. We just want to see Barney suit up. When I mentioned this fact to my husband, by muttering, "I hate stupid Ted" at the screen, he made the point that lots of sitcoms have annoying main characters. I know, I married a smart dude. Points for me!

And once I started thinking about it, I realized this was totally true. My husband, in particular, hates Eric from "Entourage." "I hate that guy," is a common refrain when Eric is on the screen. (And don't you just kind of get the feeling that Kevin Connolly is JUST LIKE Eric IRL, making things kind of worse?) And then there's Raymond, who is really just a jerk, although, really, no one on that show is winning any personality awards (unless it's Biggest Jerkface, but I'm still mad about the simultaneous Jersey/Brooklyn crack, so I give that award to Ted FOREVER).

I mean, in a certain respect, I get it. Someone needs to play the foil to the wacky secondary characters. Authors I interview sometimes talk about having to rein in their supporting cast, otherwise they take over the whole story and kind of derail the plot. If Raymond didn't play the straight man, what would his wackadoodle parents have to bounce off of? I mean, did Cousin Larry really have to be that much of a stick in the mud? No, but it sure made Balki and his Dance of Joy that much more fun.

Regardless, Ted sucks. I don't even care who the g-d mother is, I'd rather just see one of Marshall's new video diaries. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW I'M JUST A JERSEY GIRL WHO LIVES IN BROOKLYN.

Get bent, Ted.

(Also, ha, when I was looking for a picture for this post, I came across this blog from TV critc Alan Sepinwall, who is also supermad about the Ted rant from "We're Not From Here." New Jersey breeds rabidly loyal residents.)

My Wolverine Action Figure is still hiding out, but he's getting kind of bored. Maybe I should have gotten him a sudoku book, huh? You'd think it would be hard to hold a pen in his claws, but he really makes it work.

I see (awesome) dead people.com

There are two awesome things that I want to tell you about right now, and, basically, the only things they really have in common is that they involve dead people and they're on the Internet.

1. Dead Teen Songs, You Gotta Love Them I have a (totally weird and macabre?) love of Dead Teen songs. I spent an entire summer of my life yelling LOOK OUT LOOK OUT! and freaking my brother out (because I am the awesomest sister ever, yes) like the refrain to one of the greatest Dead Teen Songs, "Leader of the Pack," which is under the"Motorcycles" heading on this superawesome website with the description: "The boyfriend is no good and he conveniently goes off and gets himself killed. The relationship probably wouldn't have lasted." This website is genius! I love it. 

Another Dead Teen song that I am obsessed with is the Bruce Springsteen song, "Wreck on the Highway" which I totally saw him sing LIVE on his acoustic tour and it was so, so awesome. (My love of The Boss knows no bounds.) And I thought that the song was true and Bruce had come upon a wreck and it scarred him (all sensitive musician like) and that's why he didn't play it live that much? But according to teh internets this is not necessarily true? Whatever I am going to choose to believe that Bruce is superdeep and wounded like.

Also, some of these songs are super gruesome and I will probably have nightmares tonight. Like "Days Of Graduation" by the Drive-By Truckers (I mean, obvs). The lyrics to this song are TERRIBLE and I can't be the only one that knows them so I must share (brace yourself):

And my girl was pinned in her seat, partially embedded in the dashboard
And for the next twenty minutes the only sound in the night were her screams.
And the sound of the wheel still spinning.

In a little while the ambulance came and the sound of its siren mixed with the screaming girl and the spinning wheel.

But when the story was told the next day at the graduation ceremony,
Everyone said that when the ambulance came
The paramedics could hear "Free Bird" still playing on the stereo

You know it's a very long song

As my new favorite website says: Wow.
(Thanks to Pop Culture Junk Mail for the find.)

2. On a slightly less gruesome and terrible note, William S. Burroughs is alive! And robbing stores in the Village! (And really, if he were alive, don't you think this is exactly what he would be doing?) My other favorite part of this story is OF COURSE the dude working at the yogurt shop on Bleeker sees a tall, gaunt man with prominent cheekbones and thinks: Burroughs! There are so many perfect things about this story I kind of can't stand it. The cops for real say the robber is actually a lookalike and then they go ahead and full on call the dude out by his name, no allegedlys in sight (fun journalism fact! allegedly doesn't really work that well and you're not actually supposed to use it) which, like, wow they must be really certain, or else they know that it really is Burroughs and ghosts really do exist and they made up this patsy dude to get us off the scent to try and keep the people calm. That's probably it, right?


My Wolverine Action Figure has been sequestered to a secret location due to upheaval. I can say no more at this time regarding his whereabouts.

The Gift of MANNING UP ALREADY

In an effort to be service-y here at the start of the New Year, and the New Decade and all that, I'd like to go ahead and recommend that all the female characters on General Hospital get themselves to a bookstore and buy themselves a copy of Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear. Like, immediately.

Because REALLY. All the male characters on this show need to Slow Their Roll. And the women need to stop encouraging their ridiculous stalking and calling it "romantic" a la, it's only stalking if I don't think you're cute! Tee hee! NO. It's really making me mad.

Those of you who know my IRL, I have probably belaboured the point already about how this is a Really Important Book for women to read. All women. Including fictional women who let pushy mobsters sway them by superduper romantic stalking tactics.

Really!

DeBecker's book is brilliant and important and seriously go buy it now. His main thesis -- and he knows of what he speaks, he's a private security expert -- is that fear is gift (hence, you know, the title) honed through eons of evolution. It's a tool to help keep you safe. Feel creeped out by that dude that holds the door open for you? Blow him off. Be rude to his face. The book includes the so, so brilliant I want to find him and kiss him line: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." OMG srsly.

It's not that DeBecker is encouraging you to be afraid of everything. He just wants you to be aware, so when you are afraid, you know to pay attention, and to act on what your instinct is trying to tell you. Another (paraphrased) favorite line? "If you're worried that someone's going to break into your apartment with a knife? That's good news! Because someone isn't already in your apartment with a knife!" I am neurotic. This book helps calm me.

And so, my boyfriend DeBecker gets super ranty on the topic of Hollywood portraying stalking as romantic, because then everyone's gauge is off for what is normal and acceptable. I know this is a problem that not only General Hospital faces (think of how creepy the Lloyd Dobler boom box scene would be if instead of a rom com, Say Anything was a horror movie, I mean, I love Lloyd too, but it's all about MIXED MESSAGES). And Bob Guza in particular is a big offender, since he sure likes the whole woman being relentlessly pursued by a hero, I mean mobster, I mean hero, oh wait we're in love! nevermind.

Sonny Corinthos, I'm looking at you.

And so, Olivia, we are totally in a fight. When the dude who knocked you up when you were a kid and then fell Madly in Love with your cousin? (But everyone seems to have forgotten that now that she got shot twice?) keeps showing up and bothering you even though you repeatedly ask him not to?

The answer is not take a glass of champagne and simper.

Just look at her smirk. ARGH.

That answer is to firmly tell him NO. Don't teach him that after 72 times of asking you, you're finally going to sleep with him. Don't you see how that can set a bad precedent for the teens you so dearly hope watch this show? I mean seriously! Do something other than simper. It's ridiculous and insulting and it makes me really mad. Cut it out.

My Wolverine Action Figure considers DeBecker a personal hero, although he's mad that I won't let him send any more love letters to Jean Grey. It's over Wolvy!

We can dance (and sing!) if we want to

You know what could have been a really awful bit, but actually is terribly, awesomely cheesy? Coleman Karaoke! Oh, I love it so! Mainly because it's so fun to see everyone having, well, fun. No shoot outs, no chalk outlines (although wouldn't you love to see FRANCO do karaoke? Oh yes you would.). Just fun with our characters. And, they let my favorites come out to play, which is nice.

Does Tony have a singing clause in his contract, or what?

Like Luke! It's fun to see him all not broody. (A rare occassion lately, let's be honest. I mean, he's much more fun when he's being ridiculous. Just like Angel and Angelus, amirite?) I was one of the few people who liked it when he was singing "My Way" in purgatory or whatever last year? But I was worried they really were going to kill him off, so I can even put up with this chick, who's going to break up Robin and Patrick or some such???, and who, according to some allusions on Serial Drama, has been recast already? And she had such pretty hair: 

Sorry, girl. Guess those hot oil treatments only helped so much.

But I can deal with her FOR NOW, and also this fool:

I can't believe I don't have a better plotline (or haircut) either!

Because, really, Ethan? I cannot believe there wasn't anyone cuter in Hollywood to cast than you. Srry. Had to be said. And they usually do so well with the offspring casting on this show.

 

Dante, WE would never threaten to reveal your true identity. Just sayin.

 

You knew I was going to show Dante there, right? Although he looks kind of bummed here, but I think that's mainly because stupid Lulu keeps threatening TO GET HIM KILLED. Gah! Look at him. You know he's thinking, "Rlly? You're rlly threatening to tell Sonny? After I saved you? Pfft." Also when is this secret going to come out? At the supermarket yesterday it seemed like Soap Opera Digest was going to tell me, but I try to remain as spoiler-free as possible, so I kept it together. (You know, barely. I still almost dropped half my groceries in the middle of the street.) But, right, right, karaoke. And my favorites. Look! They let Diane come out!

 

I'm so awesome I'm on TWO shows! 

If Diane's happy, I'm happy. (Side note: I had the pleasure of interviewing Diane this past year, and I am happy to report that she is just as exactly awesome as you would hope her to be.) And, Tracey gets to dance around like this!

 

I'm going dance like I just doing care that-I-have-no-real-plot-right-now.

 

And this!

Yeah, now I'm just showing off.

 

And we can forget that Luke threw Laura over for Tracey, who is like, not nefarious at all anymore, and all of the other wackadoodle plotlines they like to throw at us (I cannot even BRING MYSELF to discuss the whole Elizabeth-Lucky Original Flavor-Nicholas ridiculousness that is going on right now), and just enjoy some good old rocking out. I can't really imagine the pitch session for this idea, or that Bob Guza could stop writing shoot outs long enough to secure the rights to some fun songs or whatever, but I am a fan. Hear that, Guza? Keep it up! That's something no one ever really says to him on soap opera blogs, so I hope this positive reinforcement gets us something good. LIKE REBECCA REALLY BEING EMILY AFTER ALL! Come on! She's in the hospital, make some crazy discovery! Or like LUCKY REALLY SHOOTING NICHOLAS! Srsly, Guza, I have tons of ideas! Call me!

My Wolverine Action Figure is guarding my pens. He's good like that.

That happened, right?

So ... here's a question: is Claudia alive, or what? Did they not have a scene awhile ago where she was lying on the ground in her chalk outline, either dead or posing for Franco, and then she OPENS HER EYES and TALKS and GETS UP? That happened, right? Did I imagine it? Dream it? Bueller?

My Wolverine Action figure doesn't know what's up either. 

Edward-rific

So I dragged my poor, very nice and understanding husband to see New Moon this weekend. And ... it ... was ... awesome! I am so not ashamed of my Twilight love. And I don't even mean in a 'guilty pleasures' kind of way, because I totally and completely reject the concept of guilty pleasures in the first place, as it relates to pop culture. For example, I refuse to feel guilty that I like to watch General Hospital. Who the H cares if I like soap operas or not? It does not mean I am dumb, and if you think that, well, YOU'RE dumb, so why are we even talking? (I never considered becoming  a lawyer, can you ever imagine why?) A real guilty pleasure that you should actually feel bad about is if, like, you enjoy spray painting little old ladies when they walk down the street. THAT you can feel bad about. We can talk more about this later. Let's get back to Edward.

I mean, Twilight. Right, right. So I feel a smidge guilty about liking Twilight because Bella is kind of ... terrible, right? We admit this, right? And as a raging feminist, I feel a little bad about her whole Edward-is-my-whole-world, Edward-please-come-save-me, Tee-hee-I'm-so-helpless schtick, but at least she wears non-slutty clothes? I know. Even Kristen Stewart looks disgusted with herself half the time. But, we shouldn't feel too bad for her because she's making out with Pattinson, so, you know, she's covered.

My husband kept heaving deep sighs every time Bella totally led Jacob on (which is, what, like 2/3 of the movie?). This is not really a good message to send to Kids These Days. So, to try and correct things: Girls! Here are some things you should not learn from the Twilight Saga:

1. Do not ditch your friends even if The Hottest Boy in School likes you. I understand the inclination, but, no. Don't do it. It's not nice, and it will inevitably bite you in the butt, just like it did for Bella when Edward up and left her, because then she had to go crawling back to her friends and it was terribly awkward. This rule is also important because, unlike Edward, who is purely fictional, ladies ...

2. He's probably never going to come back to you. He probably didn't leave you because he wanted to give you a Chance to Really Live. Nope, he just doesn't like you anymore. This is why it is important to keep your friends in the first place! They will keep you company when you're sad and they will make you feel better and they will help you pick your your clothes when you find a new boy to go out with.  Seriously. And when you find that new boy ...

3. Don't treat him like crap and don't lead him on if you really don't like him. Because you are likable, and he probably likes you, and if you're still mooning over Edward, that's kind of jerky. So you should stop. Just go out with your girls or your mom or something. It's fine. You'll feel better eventually. I promise.

4. In addition! This is very important! I know that when he dumped you you felt terrible and you wanted to lie down in the woods by yourself so all the men in town could look for you and carry you dramatically out of the woods? NO. No no no no no. Go be sad in your room! Go watch some Buffy, for goodness sakes and stop wandering around waiting to be rescued. Prove that you are your own woman and you can take care of yourself! That way, when you are in your 20s and you have to fight with your landlord or hold your own against a customer service representative who is messing with you? You will be glad you learned to take care of yourself and did not leave it to others.

That said! I really did like the movie and find Robert Pattinson quite dreamy, despite his really distracting lipstick. Why do they style him like that? Do you think that's why they made the US Weekly blog so mad that they ran the headline, "New Moon Drops Almost 70% in Second Weekend Box Office" when, other places, like, oh, say, the AP, ran the header, "New Moon still No 1 at box office" because it won the box office and is right now the 6th highest grossing movie of the year. Obviously someone at US Weekly, which is a really sometimes hilariously bitchy blog even though it focuses basically on "News," is mad at Bella too.


My Wolverine Action Figure is ensconced in a shimmery purple wine bag. He does not wish to be disturbed at this time.

Thanks for being a (fashionably questionable) friend

Okay, before we get to a discussion on James Franco (squeee!) — were you surprised when he stepped on Joey Limbo's throat?! Because I was!— I thought we should discuss a show that I know is close to many of our hearts, The Golden Girls. The girls keep me company when my insomnia comes to hang out, and their antics always lull me back to sleep, until my cat jumps on my head or the construction on the roof starts, or whatever, I mean, they're just characters on a TV show, I can't expect them to control everything!

But thanks to WEtv and, like, 72 other stations broadcasting reruns all the time, I have discovered a lot of awesome things about the Golden Girls that I totally never knew. For example, did you know that George Clooney — yes, that George Clooney — once guested on an episode where the girls get mixed up with their nefarious next-door neighbors? BECAUSE HE DID AND IT WAS AWESOME. The girls do have a thing for criminals, there was another awesomely awesome episode on last week that involved Blanche's full moon madness party, a jewel thief, a Sicilian curse, and THESE shoulder pads.

What? I am one. stylish. lady. And you know it.

Oh, the fashion. Blanche wore an outfit during the murder mystery episode — oh yes! Did you not know there was a murder mystery episode? I have always wanted to go on one of those weekends, and this episode only cemented that desire, although, you really have to go with people who are committed to the concept, because one hater in the bunch and you just know your whole crew will be mocking the whole thing and it will be no fun because you'll be stomping your foot all whiney, YOU GUYS, like, annoying Jan Brady or something — but OF COURSE the girls make it work, and, even better, Blanche wears this outfit, which, basically shocked me out of my encroaching slumber with its awesomeness.

You shouldn't be surprised to know that this blouse becomes a plot point. 

Nobody puts a blouse like that in the corner.

Another plot point that woke me up recently was the episode, "Journey to the Center of Attention," where Blanche gets mad when Dorothy steals her thunder at her local bar. Okay, now, I love the Girls, but this plot was terrible and really clichéd and very I-stole-NORM-from-Cheers, and ... it kind of reminded me of that episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette has to go out with her coworker/boss lady and be her wingman even though she just wants to go home to be with Gay Matt and her urchins (although who knows why, those kids are awful)? And so Lynette charms the whole bar and steals boss-lady's thunder?

Well GUESS WHAT I DISCOVERED?

Go on, guess.

THOSE EPISODES WERE TOTALLY DONE BY THE SAME DUDE.

That's right. Marc Cherry, who I really recall the media making out to be some New! TV! Guy! When he invented Desperate Housewives? And he became the guy that gave other spec writers dreams because he just randomly wrote that script all, NBD? Well! HE TOTALLY WROTE FOR AND PRODUCED EPISODES OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS. Which, like, of course! When you think about it. I mean, DH is no GG, I think we all know that, but it is a show for 'older' women with more plotlines than how to catch a man or and get him to put a ring on it or whatever? Although wow, I don't want to think about that for too long, because if Susan and Lynette and Gabby and Bree are supposed to be replacements for Dorothy and Sophia and Blanche and Rose, then I think I might just need to start reading books at 4 am. Because, really.

My Wolverine Action Figure is laying on the top of my monitor, giving me the stink eye. I know, I know. Lots of work to do before turkey time!

Preguntas, Primetime.

Some Primetime Queries!

1. If you were a member of the Walker clan, would you seriously ever suggest having a dinner party for all your family members? Because this happens like every other week on the show, and then they all have this gigantic screaming match, and everyone storms out without eating. It's been like FOUR seasons of this! When Ally McBeal was all diagnosed with cancer and she was like, 'Let's have a dinner,' I was like, "Rlly, Ally McBeal? You just found out you have a terrible, life-threatening illness, and you want to have a party with your family where inevitably everyone will start yelling at each other?' And she was like, 'Yes, back off.' (Side note: right after Ally got her Terrible Illness I was feeling kind of sluggish and I was kinda a little bit worried (maybe a smidge?) that I had come down with some disease. In fact, I told my husband, 'I think I have a Dramatic Soap Opera Disease.' This did not help him to take me seriously. Lame!)

2. Do you think Rebecca knows that she and Justin are about to play out the same storyline that Mimi and Rex (Remember Rex the alien? Man, that was weird.) had on Days back in the day (ha) that made me want to tear my hair out? Remember? When Mimi kept skulking around and refusing to tell Rex she was knocked up and then she had a secret abortion and then HER LADY PARTS WERE ALL BROKEN BECAUSE HOW DARE SHE? And then I almost had to write NBC a nasty letter because, rlly? I think that would have been the whole letter: Rlly, NBC?

3. So, like, Grey's Anatomy kinda sucks now, huh? I was looking back over my old posts before I revitalized this here blog and, wow, one thing about taking a three year hiatus is that those posts when Grey's were good were right at the top of the pile! When Meredith almost drowned kinda accidentally on purpose? The pink dress and the Dead Denny! The show was awesome. Now, it's, um, not. And this makes me mad partly because people will be like, "Oh when Meredith and McDreamy are together there's no drama it was boring." Causing the number of shows with Sexual Tension but no Actual Main Character Couples Actually Being Together to increase. (BONES, I am looking right at you.) And I hate those shows! Remember Ed? Yeah, that show sucked. The end.

3. Have you noticed that Grey's sucks, in part, because Shonda gives all her characters these crazy long monologues where they just repeat the same thing over and over (and over and over) again? From a writer to a writer? That is lazy writing. Also it's a tick, that, now that I've noticed it, I can't unnotice it, and it bugs me All. The. Time. So I'm telling you! So we can be in this together. You're welcome. Have no idea what I'm talking about? An example:

This was the monologue from the random hospital employee who had the crazy tumor:

Isaac: No, don't close me up. If you get in and it's too complicated, cut the cord. Paralyze me if you must. I survived a war did you know that? I survived a war where they put bodies in to mass graves where there was once a playground. I survived the death of my family, my parents, my brothers and sisters. Then I survived the death of my wife and child when they starved to death in a refugee camp. I survived the loss of my country, of hearing my mother tongue spoken, of knowing what it feels like to have a place to call home. I survived. And I will survive the loss of my legs. If I have to, I'll survive it. Ok? But Derek, there is always a way when things look like there's no way. There's a way to do the impossible, to survive the in survivable. There's always a way.

And guess what? (Spoiler Alert!) HE SURVIVED! Pffft.
(Thanks to http://www.greysanatomyinsider.com for the transcription.)

4. Is Don Draper some kinda awesome, or what? Also here's an interesting interview with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner, if you're interested, although that guy is some kinda politician, huh? He answers questions straighter than interviews I've seen with Shonda, though, so I suppose that's something.

My Wolverine Action Figure is standing in my coffee mug. I don't know why. Sometimes, it's best not to ask.

Let us count the ways

OMG people!!

How good was yesterday's GH? Amazing! Totally crazytown. I seriously think I had nightmares. Let's listicle it up, shall we?

Let us count the ways that yesterday's GH was crazytown awesome.

1. They finally let Jax have a baby! Isn't it a little bananas that poor ole Jax who has been married ... how many times? (Miranda, Brenda, Alexis, Skye (remember SKYE?!?), Courtney, Carly ... and those are the ones I can remember, although technically he didn't marry Brenda, did he?) still hasn't ever procreated? And they did that whole supermean bait and switch with Spencer who we, like, never see anymore anyway so whatever. Although, in real life Jax named his baby Peanut, so, you know, maybe the writers were just penalizing him for that.

2. OMG THE AXE. Okay, because seriously, it was all blurry and kind of dream sequence-y, at first I thought that Michael swung at Claudia with a BAT. And I was like, well, maybe she's not dead? (I mean, who thought that, when they did that close up on her hand? I for sure thought it was going to twitch, and then she was going to disappear. That would have been better. Bob Guza should totally hire me.) but THEN when they said, "Michale picked up an axe," I was like, "Oh no they didn't" but they TOTALLY DID.

3. Dante/Dominic. I know he is kind of only peripherally involved in all of this ridiculousness but I heart him and so I just want to put him on the list somewhere so he feels the love. Hiiii Dante! Thanks for not being a mobster! And thanks for actually being a somewhat competent cop! Kisses!

4. Jason and Sonny coming to save the day. I know, it's like their mobster skillz are FINALLY good for something! Covering up a body! I was like, "It's cool, Michael, don't worry your pretty little face, your mob connections will finally help you out, buddy." But he couldn't hear me, because Jason said he was in shock. And also, he was in the television, and I was on the couch.

5. "YOU DID GOOD" OMG, wasn't it crazytown (but not crazytown awesome, to be specific). I mean, Carly's like, 'Hey, NBD Michael, you just CHOPPED YOUR STEPMOTHER UP WITH AN AXE. You'll be fine!' And Sonny and his bad grammar, what what? I actually yelled at the TV when he said that, startling both my cats. I was also knitting at the time. Yes, I've become that. girl. It's okay, let's just look at Dante again.

Hiiiiii Dante!


My Wolverine Action Figure is perched next to a tiny WAF-sized bottle of vodka. This week, it has been long.

I'm feelin' Lucky!

So, Jonathan Jackson came back to General Hospital this week, and even though he wasn't even ever my favorite Lucky (that was Lucky No. 2 all the way, and can I tell you how mad I was when I realized he had given up his bigger career aspirations and just hopped on over to another soap, I was pissed) .

But now I am totally digging No. 1! Maybe that's because Lucky No. 3 was so kinda lackluster for reasons I never really understood (I mean, it's not like the dude wasn't cute, because he so totally was). But he just wasn't working for me (or for, obvs, a lot of other people, because they gave him the ole heave ho) and so I wasn't too sorry to see him go.

Of course, now I'm totally mad at Elizabeth for looking all longingly at Nicholas all the time, because, I'm sorry, if you have to choose between Original Flavor Lucky and Nicholas (I can't even remember if he's the original Nicholas, which is saying something, sorry, dude) then I just do not know where your head is at! Also, weird that I always thought that Elizabeth never aged but then you see her with OFL and you're like, 'Huh.' Guess not. Sorry, Liz, you're still totally gorgeous and also it's happening to all of us. Except OFL. And also LL Cool J.

And I had a theory about this Lucky Original Flavor change of heart, because back in the day I always thought Lucky was 'too young' for me -- to have what, a fictional crush on? Oh, young Elissa, you can loosen up. It's fine -- and I liked Jason and Stone way better. (Oh, STONE!) BUT, and this is my theory, Lucky No. 1 was pre- emo boy. Pre Seth Cohen. Pre geek chic! He was just before his time is all! Now is his shining moment. But if he realizes that and then jumps ship again, I am so going to LA to have a talk with him.

Also, hi! I'm back. And so is ...

My Wolverine Action Figure is perched on top of my computer, excited that he finally got his picture on the blog! Three years later it's way easier to put pictures on your blog, huh? Also he says hi too. And that can I please go home so he can wreak havoc with all the papers on my desk. Seeing as it's Halloween Friday I'm just about to oblige him ...

A Rose by any other name ...

How do I love sweeps, let me count the ways ...

1. HOW HOT DID McDREAMY LOOK CARRYING MEREDITH OUT OF THE WATER, all Grey and shit? Seriously. So rarely does a show hit on a moment that makes me feel like I'm 11 again squeeeeeeing at the television, filled with crush love. But Lord, did Shonda Rhimes hit the jackpot last week. And then McDreamy was so hot, crying over his possibly dying love and it was all so rrrrrrrromantic and I can't wait for tonight, for more hotness!

2. LET'S TALK ABOUT McDREAMY CARRYING MEREDITH OUT OF THE WATER AGAIN. SERIOUSLY THAT WAS AWESOME. OK. I'm done.

3. Elizabeth finally telling Jason the baby is his. I mean, thank goodness, General Hospital, for almost, kind of, maybe getting on with it already. I thought for sure that just as Elizabeth was getting ready to tell Jason they were going to get rescued, and the truth will be on the tip of her tongue but interrupted, all daytime-drama style. Also, Jason and Patrick are hot, but not as hot as McDREAMY AND HIS POSSIBLY DEAD GIRLFRIEND. I'm just saying.

4. Lakisha Jones singing "You're gonna love me ..." on American Idol. Y'all. It was so good. She gave me goosebumps! And sure, I was kind of drunk, but still, they weren't really drunken goosebumps, they were more "This girl is an awesome singer, she's giving me goosebumps" goosebumps. I tried to vote for her but could not figure out the texting (that was because I was drunk). Then I saw on TWOP the recapper caller her performance all right. If all right is what kids today are saying instead of awesome, then maybe.

5. It pains me not to put a Gilmore Girls moment on the list -- and VM, I'm looking at you: you killed hot Sheriff Lamb? Why? Why? Why would you do that? He had such saucy banter with Veronica! Why not just give him workman's comp or something if you wanted to make Keith sheriff again? I seriously need to move to California to start helping these shows out -- so let's talk about how HOT McDREAMY SAVING MEREDITH was again, shall we? No? Fine. But let me just say this: Hot.

My Wolverine Action Figure wants y'all to know he was not affliated with this post in any way.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrreviews!

So, before I hit the road for a bit, let's go over the television season finales, shall we?

Grey's Anatomy - My love of McDreamy is immense. Let's just get that out of the way upfront. He has great hair. I can't help it. And the finale was pretty awesome. I think just last night I had a dream about poor, dead Denny. I mean, Denny had to die. We all knew that, right? SOMEONE had to die, and they couldn't kill Burke, because Christina was being a biatch and Izzy was just being psycho. Also, she totally deserves an Emmy for playing an excellent psycho. I feel like she looked like what people actually look like when their loved ones die. Hysterical, can't breathe, snot-nosed terror. Good show, Hiegel.

Anyway, it was great, and I was glad they didn't give us a crazy, annoying cliffhanger. I hate those. My prediction it's going to be a buzzkill cliffhanger, like Addison's going to appear and be all, "Hey Derek, we need you," or McDreamy will get paged to deal with Burke or some such. And then the Meredith/McDreamy nonsense will continue all season and they'll get together at the end of next season, all cliffhanger like.

Gilmore Girls - Ah, the girls. The finale was great, I felt like it really wrapped up the whole season although the season felt like it took so long to freaking get where it was going already. But still, very satisfying end. Nice meltdown for Lorelai, too, although Lord knows the awards show powers that be would never see fit to honor an actor from the WB. (RIP, WB.)
My prediction is a little tentative for next year, because the Palladinos have jumped ship (which I'm totally mad at them for, btw). I'm sure the Luke and Lorelai dance will continue, I hope they don't go the soap opera route which entails, L&L getting back together and then Luke finds out much later that Lorelai shacked up with Christopher and dumps her. As for Rory and Logan, I could care less. Logan is Tristan in college and I was over that shit in 2001.

Lost - Good ending. Lots of great, interesting reveals that made it seem like JJ really had been thinking about some of the big plot lines all along. I was pleased with the whole thing. My prediction -- for this show, seriously? I got nothin. I'm just along for the ride.

Alias - I knew they were going to release Sydney from spy life, just like Buffy got a break from being the chosen one. I was writing an e-mail to a friend about the finale, and I almost got caught up in a diatribe about how television writers feel the need to free women from their superhero roles, but never men, but then I remembered how tortured all the male comic book heros are too, so I dropped it. And at least Syd still gets to do freelance, and she gets to stay married to hotty hot hot Vaughn, which is less that we can say for la Garner in real life, right? The Rimaldi shit was kinda lame, like, who didn't guess they were all chasing after eternal life? Although the Sloane being caught in the cave forever freaked this claustophobiac (I just made that word up) right the fuck out. ALSO who else thought that they were going to tie in the Balthazar plotline instead of just blowing him up? Lame.

My Wolverine Action Figure is reminding me that we must run ... I will try to update next week but I'll be out of town.

OMG

OMG you guys, how good was Grey's Anatomy last night? Love. LOVE. So good. So pretty, the McDreamy. And the hot sex, and they dying and the pretty pink dress and the Bailey. Too, too much. I had fevered dreams about Denny dying, y'all. It was crazy. That may have also had something to do with the fact that I FINISHED ALL MY FINALS YESTERDAY so I am officially a free woman. Academia, you got nothin on me. School is out forever, my friends. Good times.

So, after e-mailing in my last final, like any self respecting graduating student would do, I went out for some beers. Two beers, to be exact. Couldn't drink more, had to get home!

After the beers I came home to watch Grey's, after having this awesome conversation with a guy in line at the Soviet Safeway.

Guy: OMG. I have to get home to watch Grey's!

JG: Me too. I love the hair on the McDreamy.

Guy: Honey, it's not his hair I love.

JG: Ok, but seriously, it's really good hair.

Guy: I wouldn't kick that out of bed, unless he wanted to have sex on the floor.

JG: [giggles] (What? That's funny. Also, I was drunk.)

Guy: (Sheepishly) Actually, I stole that from someone else.

So, I made it home and then the show was awesome, which is nice. Also I totally knew Denny was going to die, I mean, duh, couples are not allowed to be happy on television. Also, they needed to kill someone off and it wasn't going to be Burke. (Also, what was that thing with Burke and Christina (who wins the world's worst girlfriend award for last night's episode) where she was all, "Did you tell Derek?" -- perhaps I was drunk, but I did not get it.)

Anyway. Awesome.

My roommate, who is new to television addiction (I always turn them to the dark side) is amazed that we will have to wait until September for a new episode. "But that's so far away!" she protested. I explained to her, summer, is when we go outside. And also when we rent a lot of DVDs of television shows we've never seen, like Veronica Mars. She's lucky to have me.


My Wolverine Action Figure is reminding me, I am late! I got carried away, kinda.

Hiiiiiiiiii

So, guess what?

I AM WORKING ON MY LAST FINAL EVER.

That's right, I'm almost done.

The operative word, of course, being almost.

People: It's killing me. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm so close, I can taste it. I can see it! I can almost (there it is again, that word) ... touch it. But it's not there yet.

I went to a barbecue last night with a bunch of my schoolmates -- all done with their classes. I had to take the stupid class with the stupid last final and now I'm stuck here, staring at my laptop and the Internet is boring because it's Sunday and my boyfriend went home for the weekend and my roommates are out and there's a freaking Gilmore Girls marathon on, fer Christmas's sake, that's trying to wear me down over here.

So, I have a rough draft, but it's not done yet. It needs work, is what I'm saying. And it's not due until Friday but man, do I want it off my plate so I can fret about packing up my room and becoming a nomad and looking for a job and a whole host of other things that are going to occupy my attention this summer. But first: the final.

I'm in a Mexican standoff and it's not looking too good for me.

Wish me luck.

My Wolverine Action Figure just looked alarmed as I typed the words, "packing up my room" -- boxes make him nervous, he's always afraid I'm going to lose him. Which I won't, gah.

Soapy

Dear Days of Our Lives,

You know it's sweeps, right? So, like, something should be happening on your show? Like ... and this is just something I'm throwing out there ... plot resolution? YOU MUST WRAP SOMETHING UP. Pick one! Marlena accidentally washes the brainwashing necklace down the drain and gets back to John. Carrie finds out that Lexie is a huge liar allowing my favorites Sami and Lucas to get back together. Or, FOR THE LOVE OF PATERNITY PLOT LINES EVERYWHERE, please let everyone find out that Claire is Sean's baby. You've been yanking that storyline around for over a year. I AM TOTALLY OVER IT.

I mean, half of the show consists of people typing on lap tops lately. Bo and Hope trying to IM each other with Chelsea interfering? Here's a hint: it is not interesting to watch people type on laptops and read what they are typing aloud. That is what the whole world does every day. We don't need to see soap stars doing it. Gah. Passions has been on for seven minutes and already I've seen a mermaid, a skeleton and a knife fight.

P.S. Soap opera digest: call me!

My Wolverine Action Figure is just waiting for General Hospital to come on.

OMG

OMG so, you guys? We had a party here last night for my roommate's birthday. And who attended but one RORY GILMORE LOOK-A-LIKE. Seriously, I probably freaked her out with my staring. She was even wearing a Rory outfit, and had on Rory glasses and it was totally weird. I seriously wanted to pull out my laptop, log onto blogger.com so I could fill you all in IMMEDIATELY. Some actual conversations that resulted from Rory L-a-L arriving at my house. (My House!)

JG: OMG. That girl totally looks like Rory.
JG's Man: You should go over there right now and ask her what she thinks is going to happen to Luke and Lorelai.

10 minutes later

JG: She really does look like her!
JG's Man: GO OVER THERE and ask her when she's going to dump that loser Logan.

Half hour later

JG: Did you see that girl that totally looks like Rory?
El Presidente: The one in the green shirt? YES.

My Wolverine Action Figure is totally pissed because he was upstairs in my room and did not get to see the Rory l-a-l. If I can figure out who she is I'll try and lure her back over here.

Also, hmm, you might be wondering why I'm posting on a Saturday? It's because I was an asshole and spent the whole week watching TV whilst allegedly working on my paper, so now I really have to write my paper because it's due Monday and it's beautiful outside and I'm stuck in here. Bah! I'm an idiot.

Too much of the Girls can apparently be a bad thing

So, I just watched that Gilmore Girls episode (expect this sentence to be a running theme around here during the Great Job Hunt) where Rory gets all shanghaied by Mitchum? And it probably wasn't the best idea for me to watch this as my big master's defense/critique is tomorrow. And Rory sits down with Mitchum, all, expecting him to tell her she's great, because that's what she's always been told, and instead he totally tells she sucks. And blah blah, being a journalist is all about listening to what people tell you, telling them to fuck off and then doing what you want, but I'm getting a freaking master's in journalism, people. AND Rory and I both have brown hair. DON'T YOU SEE THE SIMILARITIES PEOPLE? If I get shanghaied tomorrow I'm going to be totally pissed.

Why no, I haven't left the house all day. I'm waiting for my man to come over and take me out to fro yo. He doesn't know that yet, but that's what's happening. If you're reading this Boyfriend: COME OVER NOW.

My Wolverine Action Figure wants me to put on another episode of Buffy. If you say so, my friend ...

p.s. Huh. Spell check accepted shanghaied. Who knew?

O Yeah

Well, we've hit the sweet spot over here at JG Headquarters. I'm sitting in the reclining Ikea chair, under the blanket, laptop on lap allegedly working on my paper and Oprah is on. Oh, Oprah. How I've missed you. I feel guiltly about not working on my paper, about not looking for a job doesn't matter. Not when you're here, O.

My Wolverine Action Figure is rolling his eyes. Whatev, I know that he's totally waiting to see when Hugh Jackman's coming on to promote X3. Then he'll be all, 'Did you tiVo Oprah?' I've got that guy's number, don't you know.

What Would Hobbs Do?

So I'm sitting here in the computer lab, waiting to meet with the career counselor (insert scary music appropriating the Dun-Dun-DUNN!!!!! variety here) and working on my ethics paper. This girl next to me is writing a paper about Hobbs (I am assuming that it was the philosopher and not the comic book character? But who knows. I did not ask.) and she keeps calling her friends to ask what they wrote. Hee!

Just the way to start off of Holy Week, doncha think?

My Wolverine Action Figure is at home, jamming to the Stevie Wonder tunes I just put on my iPod. The Wonder is very groovy.